not young but still so very naive...

it comes to a point where i don't even know what to write anymore. life's flowing static-ly and i haven't got my visa. feeling kinda hermit-y nowadays. spent my days in my room, or hopping here and there with my little sister or as most of you already know staring at my mobile phone - seems the only way i could communicate with him-.

to be quite honest, sometimes i forgot about little bits and pieces that i now have a significant someone-whom i would (hopefully) spend the rest of my life with-, not because he's not around, but because i'm so used to be all alone even in the mist of crowd that i knew each and every one of them, i feel lonely.

oh.. a recent event makes me realized that as u grew older and ur career soars, some are only be friended you for business purposed. profitable friends and no need to feel bad about it. gosh... i had her best interest at mind, i'm so naive.

road trippy with a gypsy

so we met... and the rest just flow naturally... i guess this time it's safe to say i (heart) him ^^

bacon flavored potato

perhaps it was too soon, but i guess it was definitely...

well it's a long shot, but i never had anyone said it and actually mean it. funny isn't it, couple of guys before him said the same thing with serious face, nervously, and firm voice..but none of them really mean it. him on the contrary was blunt and out of the blue. which then caused a mess in the fruit area at a supermarket when i read it... i dropped a roll of fruit packaging plastic, which then was asked by the supermaket attendee why were my right shoe is different from the left one, in which i'm sure as he looked me in the face, he would certainly think i'm retarded! then after i cleaned up my mess at the fruit section.. i realized my grandma wasn't around... o..boy! and up to a few days later, although my heart begins to pump harder in an irregular beat that seems only runs to my face (baca. blushing) everytime my phone beeps... i still think what he said the other day was a joke, just another absurd thing he usually says to his friends...

he did mention it over and over for almost a week, but my brain still couldn't registered what was going on with us? so i asked if it was true and the rest was as you can imagine ^^

piggy potato

it's been almost a week, yet i still don't know what to say..

i'm happy

i guess that's all that i can say for now...

broken social scene

i take comfort in a repetitif songs...

secret notes #51

i know, i said it years ago that i hate you, but you are actually the antidote to all my sorrow... and even perhaps my knight in shinning armor.

green light!

when he sent me those text messages, it felt like ur ex husband finally agree to sign the divorce paper ^^. it's a relief, no long talked like we used to, just short and simple, and that's it. nothing left to talked about. and what was said, was actually the words i've been longing to hear.

hmm.. *long sigh* i'm free to be with the other person now ^^.

you and me and a bite of burger and fries

it was you... i kept dreaming about you.

last night i was at that diner with my sisters, and you just suddenly show up, surprised with a kiss on my cheek. i almost forgot how that used to feel like. and when i woke up this morning, i feel safe because i know it was you.

could it be?

blurry brewery

when i got home last night, there's a cup of tea, already brewed on the table, my glasses were still standing next to giacommo, and there was a new postcard from osaka on top of it.

i went to the bathroom, washed off all the make up, brushed my teeth, put on my pj, and here we go... to the unknown world we sailed

allan and diane arbus

i guess i'm just being plainly stupid! i don't even know what to think, let alone what to do. and yes, of course although their marriage wasn't successful, i still admire both of the arbus'.

it's like yesterday afternoon, when i already have a hunch not to drive passed that street, i fear something bad is going to happened at that corner. but it's just a hunch, a premonition, no logical explainations on why i shouldn't passed that street. so... my ignorant idiotic brain totally ignored my so called 'hunch'. and... walla... a reckless car appear out of nowhere, almost hit me and momotaro at that very corner.

lesson learned, listened to your heart, but don't let it run wild.

the thing with cardiology

ok so actually me and my sister have the same symptoms, breathing problems and irregular heartbeats. but i didn't tell my parents, not after i saw the series of tests my sister had to go through...

but after all that, the doctor said, she's fine, and explained that the caused was not the cardiac, it was something else, and i felt relieved. *long sigh*...

secret notes #55

it seems that no matter what you tried to do, a book is still being judge by it's cover. hmm ...

running text

... trembling... what have i done...

grassbed

somehow i can't wait to lay next to you on the grass and watch the clouds moving.

the infamous edward cullen jacket

x : how's ur day?
k : i was scorned by an angry fat man this morning...
x : why so?
k : i hit his motorcycles
x : o_0?

secret quotes #43

'i think, you should make a better used of your brain, k!' said by an annoyed yet thankful friend.

absurdity + moronic

i'm not really in the mood, nor do i have a leisure time to think lately... so here's a quick update and some random thoughts:

i've been seen carrying an imported wedding magz everywhere i go

i don't feel like telling where and when too (well, i did told a couple of my old friends about my final decision, but no action yet, on my behalf, so relax ppl, nothing's going to happened just yet, but soon i hope ^^)

he did remind me of someone, in a good and bad way. and in an inarticulate way. considering how absurd he is, having a conversation with him is a big challenge i'm willing to take.

au revoir

unborn

a pregnant lady came up to me the other day and asked..
'may i use your name for my unborn daughter?'

i nod and smiled, it's an honor, don't you think so?

life is (so) short

i think i should write in bahasa today...

aku dan gadis berkerudung merah sangat mirip, atau setidaknya org2 mengira kami kakak beradik. kejadian yg sering menimpa kami berdua pun mirip. saat saya sedang berbunga2 krn 'si dia', gadis ini jg berbunga2 krn hal yg sama. saat saya sedih krn dibohongin oleh teman, gadis ini jg dikhianati oleh temannya. di saat senang dan susah kami selalu berbagi. walau akhir2 ini memang aku sengaja menjauh dari org2 terdekatku, krn tak mau dan tak mampu menceritakan kemalangan yg baru saja menimpaku. ayahku dan ayahnya sama2 mengidap penyakit jantung, namun hari ini berbeda... di saat ayahku skt dan berangsur2 membaik, ayahnya telah menghembuskan nafas terakhirnya sore tadi...

di satu sisi aku merasa sangat beruntung, dan bersyukur krn ayahku membaik. namun di sisi lain... aku dpt merasakan apa yg dia rasakan. aku jg merasa kehilangan...

i dream of gennie

whilst everyone else falls asleep soundly, i sneaked out and saw him, standing idly. looking sharp with shirt and his black pants as usual, smiling. then the scenery changed very quickly, he held my hand and we walked towards my family. he greeted everyone nicely, even my most annoying uncles and aunts. *sigh*...

then i heard my alarm ringing, and he was gone :)

when i was 12...

when i was 12...
i imagine myself living on my own in an apartment overseas (check)
i imagine i would be working on my own and be my own boss (check)

despite what just happened, i'm lucky and i'm thankful for that :)

and now i'm 25...
i would like to find you, ommo...

fabricated

x : k, perhaps what he was trying to say was, 'i don't want anything to do with you anymore!'
k : so, what should i do then?
x : nothing, just don't bother him anymore... you are no longer exist in his world, and vice versa...
i think that's what best.
k : ... i wish he would just said it in person, instead of...
i feel terrible, really awful, it's like i just committed a crime, it was all my fault isn't it?
x : i honestly don't know k... i don't know... perhaps it was all fabricated...

the frog, the pond and her favourite book

it looks like i'll be following my mom and my grandmother's path... i will become a teacher next month. but as sit here in my late aunt fave couch -that now has become me and mom fave's- looking at the pond and my mom's super mini garden... instead of reading all those documents and course outlines, i'm reading inkheart... yup inkheart! oh dear, will i ever be a grown up?

mr. funny hat

i saw him yesterday, amongst the mist of ppl cheering loudly for the local band he was wearing that funny yet fashionable hat. but i didn't have the courage to came up to him and say 'hi'. why am i always like this, sometimes i hate myself for not having that courage. so i just watch him form the distance, saying to myself, 'i'll go say hi, after this song...' and it seemed that it was the never going to end serenade, and the feeling was daunting, so.. i just walked away.

this morning as i opened my email, i got the feeling somehow he catch a glimpse of me, 'cos i got an email that said, 'how are you...'

:)

memori

memori kau membuka luka lama yang ku ingin lupa...
memori tolong daku pergi jauh, janji tak'kan kembali memori...

-oddie agam-

classic song, somehow still relevant...

moth

"you certainly can't ignore it k, how long are u going to stay this way? u look perfectly healthy now, but it's eating ur inside isn't it?"

"i'm ok, i guess. i'm hoping it would end soon. with the slight of hope that i'll win, once and for all... there would be no more hiding, i surely can't avoid it either, because it'll just keep coming back at me. i'll just going to have to face it, lived it day by day. i just hope there would be something, a proof that it wasn't just words, that it wasn't a lie."

next to nothing...

i was putting my itunes on random, and this old song came up, believe me, this is actually quite annoying but random song in my itunes or random things keeps on leading me to things that are quite similar to this...

broken

my mom knows, she knows how i feel when i opened that toy box...
and as the one of the leg fell down, so as my heart. so this is what i'm worth to him...
i thought i'd be ok, but here i am, crying myself to sleep again

phoning phoenix

i just got the new phoenix album, i like this band since high school, don't know why i like them, i just do >__< and this afternoon when i couldn't get him on the phone just to pour my heart out, i've been listening to this song esp. and play it over and over, whilst doing my famous rain dance. dunno why it's so liberating, dancing with a sabrina oversized shirt and a legging, the only things missing is a pocahontas headband complete with the feather.. hmm...

you first then the gimmies gimmies

perhaps one day i'll regret writing this...

i like hearing ur voice on the phone at night, just b4 i closed my eyes, even though you hardly ever say good night sleep tight.
i like when you drove we around town, i like spending time with you on the road, even though i know it drained you, driving that heavy car of yours around town. i'm so sorry i've been a pain for you.
i like sitting on a bench and 'people watching' with you, although sometimes i hate when u commented on those ppl.
i like it when most of the times you just nodded and agree to some of my silly ideas of killing time when we were together.

moon shines on my face

L : u look lovely tonight... i think u are far better in person than in pics, k
K : o.. geez, u are making me blush, thanks for coming here to see me, Le.

we fight, we argue, we annoyed one another ever since we were little ... but there he is, standing in my doorway, just because i said i need someone to talked to, and of course i also said i made cookies, so either way, he's here :)

cheese brownies with rum flavored whipped cream on top

i think i know what he's been trying to say, but then again i'm not sure. and i think it would be a miracle if he actually feels that way about me. hmm... should i wait to find out the truth? and i guess knowing him the way he is, all this time, perhaps the truth is just nothing... unimportant and got nothing to do with me. i was just a mere audience as usual, an accomplished, a side kick, a tool to make his life easier and he will again throw me away when he doesn't need me anymore or when he founds cooler dudes to hang out with... perhaps...

there is no way of knowing this sort of things for certain is there?

dunia sedang tdk adil padaku, dia meninggalkan ku begitu saja...

asmathatic turtle

... i will always loved you,
i will never leave you alone

i am a man who will fight for your honor
i'll be the hero you're dreaming of
we'll live forever
knowing together that we
did it all for the glory of love...

yes, i did played that song over and over and over again, since thursday.

mr. r is here, he's back, perhaps for only short time. it's nice talking to someone who knows you, and however i might changed he still calls me with that silly name that have double meaning, one can refers to someone you loved dearly and the other is an abbreviation of small japanese plant.

and although everyone's been asking him, i think i want to keep him for myself this time >_<.

for a moment there when u bought me ice cream the other day, i thought u are my brother...

feeling foolish

inspiring...

You might need love some day
I won't give up
Don't know, don't care how long
I'm just gonna sit here till you
Come around to me oh no
I won't give up
Don't tell me should I give up now
I couldn't if I knew how
-will young-

a pinch in the nose

i wish i was taller, slimmer with big eyes and long dark hair. but who am i kidding? i'm me, round and small, with undefined hair type ^^. and i like that tall chubby man, with oldies hairstyle...

oh..who am i kidding? that good fortune is almost impossible to be true...

this one should be called nothing

it's been a while...
i got bored then got excited again, then i got bored, i'm bored...

this recent event was an entirely different case though, it could be classified as an old story that seems to have no infinite ending. dunno how long i should play a long though, i don't think it's funny anymore. i'm annoyed to be frank... wonder when will it completely stop

you me and my dusty old book

i guess i owed you a big thank you note and a big bear hugs :)

perfecto

perhaps it was never meant to be, but his version of that cheesy indonesian song has started my day, and it was perfect, just like the title of the song it self 'sempurna'.

i leaned back on my chair and closed my eyes... saying good bye to my dreams of him and smiled, hoping that today is a good day.

gravity

...You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains...

Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone...

...But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down...

blind folded

my heartache all over again, you shouldn't have said what you said... while he couldn't make his point even more clearer...

and then again i shouldn't have said anything to her, the one who always have the tendencies to make things worst.

.happy

i do feel a bit foolish waiting for the clock and literally getting older.. but then again i promise myself i'll make a new year resolution when the time comes..

happy (almost) birthday

it's a happy (almost) birthday wishes, but i guess i know better that it's over...

an inaudible conversation

i wish ... it wouldn't always be inaudible

i really like getting to know him, don't know if he feels the same, esp since i'm the total opposite of him. and he's everything the other person was not, so it brings a nice vibe every time we have a little time together.

.point

sis.f : i asked u ten years ago.... but u don't want to admit it...
ms.f : you did? what? -long dumb pause- oh.. that..
sis.f : yup, THAT! so.. will u finally admit it now?
ms.f : nope >__<
sis.f : i thought so...

little foot

i just love looking at this picture, of course it doesn't meant anything, but like the colors, the skin tones, and the odd shapes of everything ...

the band

it's still raining outside so i curled up in my blanket this morning watching grammy live on tv. when the radiohead perform with its marching band... my mind went back to my childhood, when i used to watched my cousin played for her school band, i remembered i wanted to go to the same school as her and played for the band. but instead i went to another school.

and after more than a decade, i found that an old friend of mine was also in a band. of course i was so surprised, i never knew he was into music the way i am with my arts. perhaps i should dug up my childhood memories, now that he is back. he hasn't change much i guess, still the same old serene, calm person i used to know, only taller and older.

the apple and the tree

we sat quietly with a bottle of corona in our hands and a cigarette on the other hands...
inhaling.. and exhaling.. sighing every now and then.

mf : i'm sorry, i heard you were...
mx : it's ok little one, who knew... who knew, of all ppl in our family, the same thing that happened to me fallen into you.. (sigh) and i'm going to pretend i didn't see what you got there in ur other hand, that's too strong for u...
mf : i'm not going to inhale it, i just like to hold it..
mx : (sigh) u're wasting my good tobacco.

after a long paused we looked at each other and we chuckled then we get back to our previous routines...

just like the weather...

yep it's raining inside too... i don't know what triggers it, could it be the anxious/nervousness about business school or his absence starting to kick in or the combination of both.

while you were gone

while sitting under the dark tinted window, i turned on the radio, and this song was on.
luckily it was dark this morning, so no one could see my moist eyes...

fireflies

i've tried, but somehow, all those good memories with you, seems to vanished, i couldn't remember... were we ever do nice things? were we ever spend some quality time together? how come i'm not able to remember all that? but i do remember all your stories with her, all those nice things you gave her.

i never thought about it b4, but a recent conversation with her, made me realised, perhaps i was never take part in your life. i was just merely an audience.

second that always the last

sometimes it do feels as if i'm a second class citizen just because i'm missing the other important half. sure with all the events that's been happening my entire life, i'm supposed to get used to it, but i didn't. it just feels even more lonely everytime it occurs...

two zero zero nine.

someone have asked me what's my 2009 resolution, and i've simply answered nothing... whilst the truth is i just want to loved, to be taking care of... and of course work in that company still ^^. and perhaps it's another year in this humid city.




you treat me like a vision in the night
someone there to stand behind you
when your world ain't working right
i ain't no vision, i am the girl
who loves you inside and out

honestly

honestly, eventhough sometimes i talked gibberish, things does happen just like i said it would (hence, you being a personal photographer for that famous someone). and honestly, sometimes i just closed my eyes and tried to imagine things, and things did happened the way i imagine it would be...

and the night before i dreamed of you-with that blue shirt you were wearing and also with that unshaven freshly grew beard-came to see me just to stare at me. well, i do appreciate what you tried to remind me (considering that i was no longer your concern, well, i never was any of your concern). i am aware of what i should soon decide. but it's not as simple as saying yes or no, to go or to stay. and honestly, if someone were to came up to me and decide what 'i should do' for me, i would just agree without any hesitation.

but in the mean time, i'm just going to close my eyes, and imagine things...

the round about

so.. i guess after 3 round abouts, 7 highways and 4 gas stations... our friendship ends at new year's eve...